TGIF

tom

Well-known member
Administrator
My friend Sam Russo sends an email every Friday with a joke. Instead of losing them in my inbox, I thought it would be nice to store them here. Everyone can enjoy these.

---------------------------
Estate Planning


My friend, Dave, was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.


He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Dave wanted two things:

  • To learn how to invest his inheritance, and
  • To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away
.




"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
 
Best Bud Light Commercial Ever

Introduced in 1981 as Budweiser Light, Budweiser's flagship light beer with 4.2% ABV and 110 calories
per 12 US fl oz (355 mL) serving (1,300 kJ/L). From 1994 to 1997, Bud Light aired 30-second
commercials featuring Rob and Laura from the CBS series The Dick Van Dyke Show.

 
Male Self Examination for Alzheimer's Disease

It takes less than 15 seconds..

If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S


---------------------------
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

The bad news is:

You are A PERVERT!!
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember --you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed the information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

That level of sensitivity can't be taught.
 
The Problem with Protestants

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing
his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th
race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest
had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued
the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in
first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race,
he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash
to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race
and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the
day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of
the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've
lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the
problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and last rites'.
 
Scott from Stratagem has an image with funny caption at the end of his daily morning report
I am not sure if he as any copyright on it or not Some of them really cracks me up
 
Hell Around The World

A man from India dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell for each country.

He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German Hell.

Then he comes to the Indian Hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here? "

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes
in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other Hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work. If it works, there is usually no electricity to run it, someone has stolen all
the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria...!!!"
 
Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with chauffeur.”

The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah. And you know, too, she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.... The thought was good. Thanks.

Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.
 
[TR][TD]
VERNON'S FUNERAL

Vernon works hard at the phone company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. " He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2.
[/TD][/TR]​
 
Top
Contact Us