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When my friend complained that my garden had too many weeds. I said it was just nature’s way of practicing natural selection.

I once started writing a book on reverse psychology. Trust me, you definitely wouldn’t want to read it.

I took a job as a human cannonball. It was a real blast, though they fired me quickly.

I enrolled in an art class. But I couldn’t draw any conclusions.

I thought about launching an origami business. But it all folded in on itself.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven’t got a gig.

I used to work crushing cans. It was soda pressing.

I tried starting a hot air balloon business. It never took off.

My wife and I were watching movies back-to-back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Why shouldn't your iron your four-leaf clover? So you don't press your luck.

What did the shovel say to the sand? I really dig you.

What is the best type of bird to work at a construction site? A crane.

Never buy anything with Velcro. It's a total rip-off.

I'm terrified of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

Why don't we tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans talk.

What's a computer's favorite snack? Microchips.

Why did the elephant quit his job? He was working for peanuts.