Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine," asked the lawyer?
Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.
“Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine.’”?
Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road..."
"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."
Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other.
I vas hurting real bad, and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning.
I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along.
He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him.
After he looked at him and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun his gun and shoots him between the eyes.
Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How are you feeling?"
There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink.
Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink.
He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!”
A man wonders if having relations on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if doing so is work or play,
so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive that sleeping together is work
and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about having relations?"
So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Relations is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, it is definitely play." The man replies,
"Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me it's work?"
"Because, my son," said the Rabbi drily, "if having relations was work, my wife would have the maid do it."
A fellow is at the Superbowl with an empty seat next to him. A guy walking by asks why the seat is empty and he is told it belonged to his wife who passed away. The guy asks why he couldn’t find anyone else to bring to the Superbowl, and he responds:
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"And what denomination would you like?" asks the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey, has it come to this?
Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve conservative and thirty-two reform!"