TGIF

tom

Administrator
Staff member
Golf and lunch at Hooters...

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”

“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”

“OK.”

At age 60 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price.”

“OK.”

At age 70 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have six handicapped spaces right by the door.”

“OK.”

At age 80 they play a round of golf. “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“We’ve never been there before.”
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
Sex on Mars

The year is 2222, and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!''

No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache .... she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
Don't just sit in the house; go outside, enjoy nature.

Never mind. Just go back inside and watch TV. It's safer at our age!
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
Jewish Personal Injury Case

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine," asked the lawyer?

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."​

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.

“Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine.’”?

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road..."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,​
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.

I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other.​

I vas hurting real bad, and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning.

I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.

Den a Highway Patrolman came along.​

He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him.

After he looked at him and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun his gun and shoots him between the eyes.​

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How are you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"​
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink.
Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink.
He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!”

“But enough about me. How's your day going?
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
Is sex WORK OR PLAY?

A man wonders if having relations on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if doing so is work or play,
so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive that sleeping together is work
and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about having relations?"
So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Relations is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, it is definitely play." The man replies,
"Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me it's work?"

"Because, my son," said the Rabbi drily, "if having relations was work, my wife would have the maid do it."
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I
noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
to him.

The teenage had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter old man? Never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that
I would not choke on his response, knowing he would
have a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an
eye with his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
A Golf Story

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack. ”Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here
and you're putting."

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through.”
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
A Superbowl Joke

A fellow is at the Superbowl with an empty seat next to him. A guy walking by asks why the seat is empty and he is told it belonged to his wife who passed away. The guy asks why he couldn’t find anyone else to bring to the Superbowl, and he responds:

they are all at the funeral.
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
Jewish Humor

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"And what denomination would you like?" asks the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey, has it come to this?
Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve conservative and thirty-two reform!"
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,“surely I can't look that old.”

My name is Alice , and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

”Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1975. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

Old,

Bald,

Wrinkled faced,

Fat-assed,

Gray-haired,

Decrepit

Son-of-a-bitch

Asked,

”What subject did you teach?”
 

tom

Administrator
Staff member
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say

concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to

stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.



The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman

carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.



Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The

groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks

and wondering how best to help save the situation.



The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?

What do you have to say?"


The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 
Top