TGIF

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!'
 
A Catholic lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to rent a larger house. He was having a lot of difficulties finding a new place to house his family.

When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie, we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.


He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked "How many children do you have?”

He answered: "Twelve.”

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
 
Will I Live till 80? Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned "late seventy-ish").

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said…

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
 
My son was at the dentist for a root canal. The dentist had a screen in the ceiling for him to watch a video. He asked to watch the Mandelbrot Zoom video:

 
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I WANT A PAY RAISE

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Mary, why do you want a pay increase? Give me a reason why I shouldn't just fire you instead. In this economy, you are lucky you have a job!"

Mary: "Well there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Mary: "You’re husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Mary: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Mary: "Your husband did."

Wife: (madder than hell) "Oh. He did, did he? You better not be lying about this. Otherwise I will fire you on the spot!"

Mary: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: (really furious now) "Did that SOB say that as well?"

Mary: "No...the Gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"
 
A Naval Aviator walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

[IMG='width:383px; width="383px"']https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OZ7KwrjEeNI/VBNwcRlBhFI/AAAAAAAARAY/HfGHidd5qGg/s1600/Girl-in-Bar1.jpg[/IMG]

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Aviator smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."



And that, my friends.......is

Confidence
 
A man asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She answers..... "I'd love to be ten again."

So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park.
What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is!

Wow! She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right Into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie...it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed. He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opens and she groans, "You dunce!, I meant dress size!"
 
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