TGIF

Such a lucky guy!

A very small man on a train gets up and moves to the doors..

A conductor notices and says "Sorry sir, this train doesn't stop at the next station on a Sunday night." Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says "It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like."

So as the train slows down the conductor takes hold of the mans coat collar and lifts him out over the platform, "Start running in the air so you don't fall over as you touch the ground."

The man starts running in the air as the conductor lowers him and he has so much momentum as he hits the platform that he runs past his carriage and comes alongside the next one.

The door of that carriage opens and a passenger reaches out, grabs his coat collar and lifts him inside, slamming the door, saying "You're lucky there mate, this train doesn't stop here on a Sunday night."
 
A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.
 
sounds like more than one word so I am not sure that counts
According to google it means flooring sanding machine rental
 
status1 said:
sounds like more than one word so I am not sure that counts
According to google it means flooring sanding machine rental
Click to expand...

My wife is from Flanders and she said the Dutch words can also be quite long as they do connect words. She had words with three triple values occasionally :)
 
The website is down. Sales guy versus Web Dude

This is a classic video

 
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say,
"Close enough.."
 
40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said. 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time. I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered. 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment.

'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife. and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish ’I *

So the fairy waved her magic v/and and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old
 
Bubba

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan,
So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished
Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and
Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over
the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines
around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary

His wife was mad.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6-seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning she saw a big gift wrapped box in their driveway.

She rushed out, opened it andd found a brand new bathroom scale...

Bob has been missing since then!
 
CALL THE POLICE - WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was;

after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old,

she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?
 
I did some financial planning.

It looks like I can retire at age 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes!
 
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